The Stars Trek Through Xanth
by Tavia
Summary: Star Trek goes to Xanth, Piers Anthony's magical land, which is filled with humor, randomness and puns. And insanity. Enjoy. No knowledge of Xanth necessary! Incomplete. Sorry!
1. Things Begin Innocently Enough

Disclaimer: Star Trek belongs to Paramount.  Xanth belongs to Piers Anthony, long may he live and write.  A few of the puns and characters parading through here will be mine, though most will belong to one of the two aforementioned people/companies.

A/N: Xanth is a strange place.  A straaange place.  A magical peninsula located where Florida is in our world, Xanth is run on magic and puns, filled with magical animals, strange people, and stranger plants.  I'll do my best to explain details as we go along, if you ever get confused let me know!

THE STARS TREK THROUGH XANTH

CHAPTER 1: In Which Things Begin Innocently Enough

Captain's Log, Stardate…It's a little hard to say.  Anyway, whatever Stardate it is: This is…a very odd mission we're on, very odd indeed.  It all began innocently enough this morning…

That morning:

The Enterprise, as it often is, was in orbit around a Class-M world, which was a remarkable parallel to Earth.  Some parallel is not uncommon.  This parallel was a bit beyond the norm.

"Interesting statistics," Spock said from his science station at the back of the bridge.  "Atmosphere, gravity, general climate zones, all within point-five degrees of a parallel to Earth.  Unusual, though not unheard of."

"Even more interesting is that I could swear that peninsula down there is Florida," Kirk commented idly, watching the planet spin by on the viewscreen.  The peninsula in question did look a lot like Florida.

"Except that Florida is on Earth, 27.5 light-years away," Spock deadpanned.

"Of course.  My mistake.  Guess it's not Florida."

"It does not seem likely," Spock agreed.

Kirk paused a moment, and tried to decide if this was the Spock equivalent to joking.  He decided there was no way to be sure, and he'd better not try to figure it out.  A person could go crazy that way.

"I think we should beam down," Kirk announced.

"There is no discernible cause for doing so," Spock said calmly.  "There does not appear to be anything of scientific interest here, due to the excessive parallel.  Where there is no originality, there is little interest."

"Thank you, Mr. Spock, for explaining the logical basis of curiosity.  But even telling myself there is no cause for curiosity, I still find myself wanting to beam down.  Is there a logical reason for that?"

Spock merely looked at him.  "None, Captain."

Kirk reflected that it was hard to tease Spock.  Maybe that's what made it fun.  "I still think we should beam down.  Take a walk, stretch our legs, pick up a plant or two, just for kicks."

There were at least two portions of that statement Spock could have requested clarification on.  He chose not to, but merely nodded.  "If you think so, Captain."

"I do," Kirk said decisively, and stood. "Mr. Sulu, you have the conn.  Mr. Spock, let's go collect the good doctor and some security personnel, and investigate our horribly unoriginal planet."

*  *  *

It wasn't long before they were all gathered in the transporter room.  Kirk, Spock, McCoy, and two security personnel, Ensign Jones and Lt. Simmons.            

"You ask me, this is _my_ kind of landing mission," McCoy said, pleased.

"This mission has no apparent purpose," Spock pointed out.

"Right," McCoy agreed.  "No purpose, no dull grass-forms to catalogue, and—even better—no aliens to shoot at us, or weird animals to try to eat us.  Just a nice walk for kicks."

Spock's eyebrow quirked, and this time he took the bait.  "'Kicks,' Doctor?"

McCoy started to answer, stopped, considered, reconsidered, and gave up.  "Forget it, Spock, just forget it."

"If you two are done, let's go on this dull and uneventful jaunt we're planning," Kirk interrupted.

Within moments and with a surprising minimum of mishaps—considering Jones and Simmons were involved—they all got into place on the transporter pads.

"Where to, Captain?" the transporter technician asked.

"How about that peninsula on the northern continent?  Let's see if it looks like Florida up close."

"Aye, Captain."

The technician twisted a few dials, the familiar, sparkling transporter effect took hold, and the figures of the landing party faded out.  [A/N: This may be the last entirely reasonable, sane sentence in the entire story.  You have been warned.]

Because this was short, and not much happened, I'm posting chapter two also.  Don't get spoiled, lol.


	2. Things Begin to Seem Odd

CHAPTER 2: In Which Things Begin to Seem Odd

Captain's Log, Supplemental: When we beamed down, things at first stayed ordinary.  At first.  For about five minutes.  And then, things began to seem…odd.

They beamed into a small clearing in a wooded area.  Which, of course, is the only area you'd find a clearing in, as you can't have an absence of trees without trees to begin with…I'll move on.  A small clearing in a wooded area.  It looked a pleasant enough place, very Earth-like.  As Spock had predicted, of course.

McCoy inhaled.  "Ah, fresh air!"

"An interesting term," Spock commented, "as all air molecules have in fact been circulating for millennia, and therefore can hardly be considered fresh."

McCoy rolled his eyes.  "Oh honestly!  How such literal-minded people ever…"

Kirk grinned, listening.  It was kind of impressive how quickly they could get into a row when they tried.  He shook his head ruefully, and turned towards the two red-shirts, who were milling around with nothing in particular to do.  "How about you scout around a little?"  He figured he'd better stay, just in case a referee was needed.

Jones and Simmons looked at each other, and shrugged.  "All right, Captain," Jones said.  The quiet peacefulness of the forest was lulling even them into complacency.

This exchange took one minute.  Jones and Simmons trooped off, and returned three minutes later.  Spock and McCoy were working themselves up into a substantial debate.  Kirk had lost track of the issue already, but was keeping a close eye on them nevertheless.  He did not turn towards the red-shirts as they reentered the clearing, and so things stayed normal, for him, for an extra minute.

"That was fast," Kirk commented.

"That's because we found something kind of odd just a little ways off, Captain," Simmons explained.

"What's that?"

"Well, it was a couple of weird trees, sir."

"Trees?" And now Kirk did turn around.  [A/N: Correction.  This is the last sane line.]  And now he noticed that each red-shirt was eating what appeared to be a slice of apple pie.  Kirk blinked.  "Where did you find pie?"

"Off of one of the trees."

"You found an apple pie sitting on a tree?"

"No, sir," Jones said.  "It was _growing_ on the tree."

This startling statement successfully attracted even Spock and McCoy's attention.

Kirk blinked again.  "The tree was growing _pies_?"

"Yes, sir.  It was an odd tree."

Kirk exchanged looks with Spock and McCoy, who exchanged looks with each other (six looks total, you can do the math), and every look said virtually the same thing (though Spock's didn't say it as vehemently).  In short, they all said that this was very odd, and perhaps, just perhaps, they should investigate.

So they did.

*  *  *

"That's a tree growing pies all right," Kirk said numbly.

"Can't argue there," McCoy said, staring.

"Most inexplicable," Spock said, eyebrow raised.  That about summed up the feelings of them all.

It was a tree.  It looked like a fairly ordinary apple or lemon or cherry tree.  Except that instead of doing the sensible thing and growing apples or lemons or cherries, it was insisting on growing apple pies, and lemon meringue, and cherry pies.  And that wasn't all.  There were also chocolate cream, and coconut meringue, and key lime, and pumpkin, and strawberry rhubarb, and even a bird that Spock said was a magpie.  (I don't know how he knew that either.  He's Spock.  He's like that.)

A tree growing pies was pretty strange.  But then they looked at the next tree, and that was even stranger.  It too looked like a fairly ordinary tree.  Except that it was growing shining aluminum pans of all shapes and sizes.

"I wonder where the source of its metal is," Spock mused, eyeing the tree with the pans.  His tricorder was not giving any logical readings.

"Never mind that, where'd the pie tree learn to make pies?" McCoy asked.  "That requires sugar, and flour, and butter, and a certain amount of expertise, and…"

"Stop," Kirk ordered, "we're just going to give ourselves headaches."

It was at this opportune moment that a native arrived.  She was a very pretty native, with curling brown hair and blue eyes, perhaps twenty years old.  Her dress matched her eyes, and was of a medieval style.  Or perhaps early Renaissance.  Think fairy tale, and you'll have it.

Kirk decided it might be a good idea to ask her about the trees.  It is possible he had an ulterior motive, but we wouldn't dream of suggesting such a thing.

"Excuse me," Kirk said politely, "we were just looking at these trees.  Could you explain to us what makes them grow like…this?"

She looked at them, and looked at the trees, and looked back at them.  It was very clear she viewed them as the odd ones.  "You're not from around here, are you?"

"Not exactly," Kirk agreed.  And then, as he often did at completely random occurrences, he threw caution and the Prime Directive to the winds.  "We're from Earth."

Her confusion lifted, and floated up in a small cloud.  "Ohhh."  She nodded knowingly.  "You're Mundanes."

The confusion drifted over and settled on Kirk, small dollops fissioning off to hover around the rest of the landing party.  Kirk shook his head.  "No.  We're humans.  Four and a half of us anyway."

"Of course.  But if you're from E(A/R)th you must be from Mundania, and therefore are Mundanes."

Kirk blinked.  "Mundania?"

"All of Earth except Xanth is Mundania, and horribly dull."

Kirk blinked again.  "Xanth?"

"This peninsula.  The portion of Earth controlled by Demon X(A/N)th."  The confusion wasn't leaving.  In fact, it was thickening.  "Haven't you at least heard of the Demons?" the girl asked.

"Can't say that we have," McCoy admitted.

"Demons?" Jones squeaked, and shivered.

"The Demons are the great forces of the universe, and each one regulates one planet, except for X(A/N)th who only has this peninsula," the girl explained patiently.  "For example, Demon Earth controls Earth, and has complete control over things like weather.  Demon Xanth controls Xanth, and his incidental leakage creates all the magic in Xanth."

Would quandaries never cease?  Everyone looked at everyone else.  This was certainly not the first time they'd encountered primitive natives clinging to the concept of magic.  But they'd never had such substantial proof of the existence of this supposed magic.

"So…the trees are based in magic?" Kirk asked, seeking more information and hoping to come across something that would explain all of this.  Figuring out the local explanation was generally a good step towards figuring out the actual explanation, and you never knew when a local might know something useful or important.

"Exactly," she confirmed.  "This is a pie-tree, obviously, and that's a pan-tree."

"A pan-tree?" Jones repeated, and snickered.

"Yes.  A pan-tree," she repeated with absolute seriousness.  "Housewives find it useful to have one near their kitchens."

Jones and Simmons were both smirking now, and Kirk and McCoy were trying not to do the same.  Spock did not have this problem.

"Well.  This is all…a little confusing for us," Kirk said.

The native girl nodded sympathetically.  "I've heard that Mundanes usually find Xanth a bit much to take."

"Yeah.  If you'd excuse us for just a minute, I think we need to talk…"

They moved off a few yards, and formed something resembling a huddle.

"So what do you think?" Kirk asked in general.

"Either she's crazy or we're crazy," McCoy volunteered.

"Is that your medical opinion?" Kirk asked.

"No, that's my opinion as a normal person who's just seen a tree growing pies and a girl who thinks magic controls the world," McCoy retorted.

"Okay.  Insanity is a possibility.  Other opinions?"

"I am inclined to think there is a certain amount of truth in this young woman's statements."

Spock found himself the recipient of four very strange looks.

"Spock…don't tell me you think there's really a Demon around here who's leaking magic."

"No, Doctor.  I think there may be some unknown force at work.  Not a Demon, but perhaps an element we are not familiar with which is causing odd effects."

"Sounds reasonable," Kirk acknowledged.  "Let's see what else we can find out."

Are we confused yet?  Let me know if so.

And what will they discover next in this strange country?  Tune in next chapter!


	3. Something Very Interesting Develops

Disclaimer: Y'know what?  Hang the disclaimer.  Everybody knows I don't own Star Trek or Xanth, right?  Right.  So from now on, I'm only writing disclaimers any time I have a truly brilliant idea for one. 

CHAPTER 3:             In Which Something Very Interesting Develops

Captain's Log, Supplemental: We decided to hold with Spock's theory for the moment, that all odd and inexplicable things we saw were accounted to a force we were unfamiliar with.  And we were fated to see more than enough odd and inexplicable things before we got back to the Enterprise.  But at this point, we were just starting to feel we had a slight grasp on the situation.  And then something very interesting developed, which would affect the rest of our time in Xanth.

Consulting done, they broke up the group and moved back to the native girl, who had picked a chocolate cream pie in the meantime.

"It occurs to me we don't know each other's names," Kirk said.  Charmingly, of course.

"I'm Sandra," the girl introduced herself.  "I live over in North Village, a fifteen-minute walk that way," she added, indicating the right.

Introductions from the landing party went around, and then business turned towards seeing what else they could find out.

"So these pie trees, are there a lot of them in Xanth?" Kirk asked.

"Thousands," Sandra confirmed.  "They're one of the most useful plants in Xanth, actually, so we're lucky they're as frequent as they are."

"Interesting that sensors did not pick up any suggestions of them.  Such a planet would be worthy of attention," Spock mused.

"Sensors?" Sandra questioned.

"Sensors are…"  And there Kirk got stuck at the problem of explaining sensors to someone obviously lacking any technological expertise.  He got more stuck at Sandra's next and entirely unexpected statement.

Sandra apparently found it necessary to explain her interest.  "I was just wondering, because I'm a Sensor.  I sense magical talents."

The confusion, which had nearly faded out, thickened considerably, though it was now streaked through with wisps of curiosity, one or two wisps of which had taken residence above Spock.  Apparently exhibiting curiosity is acceptable.

"Would you please define the nature of magical talents?' Spock requested.

"Sure.  You're from Mundania, so you can't be expected to know much of anything," Sandra said pleasantly.

Another exchange of looks went around, between Jones and Simmons and between Kirk, Spock, and McCoy (eight looks total) and Kirk, Spock and McCoy decided it wouldn't be the best of ideas to take offense, and when they didn't Jones and Simmons of course couldn't.  Sandra, mostly oblivious to the looks flying around her, went on.

"Every human and most human crossbreeds have magical talents.  Each person can do one type of magic.  King Dor can talk to the inanimate, for example."

"Neat!" was Jones' conclusion.  If things warned you before you stepped on them, you'd never trip over them.

Sandra nodded agreement.  "That's a big talent though, Magician caliber.  That's why he's King.  At the other end are Spot-on-the-wall talents.  Some people literally have the talent of making a spot appear on the wall.  The term just means any talent that's really minor, and pretty much useless.  Most people, like me, have a talent in between.  My talent is sensing what other people's talents are."

"Fascinating," Spock commented.

"Actually, it nearly is," McCoy agreed.

Jones had a question.  "You said all humans in Xanth have a talent?"  Sandra nodded a confirmation.  "Well…since we're in Xanth, do we have talents?"

Surprisingly, this had not occurred to the higher-billed characters.  It was one of Jones more impressive moments.

"That could be interesting," Kirk mused.  And, going by Spock's theory, there might be actual ramifications.  He didn't believe for a minute that the talents were magical, but if something really was creating talents that resembled magic…that could be very interesting.

"I don't think so.  You have to be born in Xanth, so Mundanes don't have talents…usually."  She paused, frowning, looking puzzled.  A small wisp of confusion drifted off to settle over her.  "But now that I'm thinking about it, I am sensing magic from you.  Fairly powerful magic.  Odd.  Do you want me to try to determine what your Talents are?"

There was a general consensus of yes.  She began with Kirk.  No especial reason, except that there's a usual order to things, and Kirk tends to be first; example: Kirk, Spock, and McCoy.  Spock, McCoy, and Kirk sounds strange.  And Jones, Kirk, Spock, and McCoy sounds even stranger.  In any case, she began with Kirk.

Sandra laid one hand on Kirk's shoulder, and concentrated for a moment.  "Your talent is the Bluff," she concluded.  "It only works on people or things that don't know the nature of your talent though."

McCoy laughed.  "I don't know how she did it, but she's got you pegged, Jim."

            Kirk ignored him.  "Can you explain that a little?"

Sandra shook her head.  "I don't explain, I only Sense.  I can tell the nature, and sometimes one or two things about it, like that yours won't work on people who know your talent."

"Hmm.  Well, let's find out what Spock's talent is."  (Spock, as you know, comes second.)

Sandra moved on to Spock.  "Your talent is Logical Reasoning."

"Well, she got that one too," McCoy grinned.

"Can you sense any particulars?" Spock requested.

She concentrated.  "Only that it should work even on people who know your Talent…with a few exceptions.  I don't know why, but there seems to be one firm exception right at the base.  It won't work on him," she explained, pointing at McCoy.

Kirk grinned.  "Got that one too, didn't she, Bones?  For all the effort expended, you two never have gotten very far."

"Sure, Jim.  So what's my talent?"  (McCoy, naturally, comes third.)

Sandra had the most trouble with McCoy.  "It's hard to name this one.  Best I can sense is that your talent is the Negative Profession."

            McCoy blinked.  "The what?"

Sandra shrugged.  "Like I said, I don't explain them, just sense them.  I am sensing that there's a certain phrase or sentence used to invoke your talent."

"Which would be…?"

"I have no idea."

McCoy frowned.  "Well, thanks anyway."

"We'll figure it out eventually, Bones," Kirk said.  "How about Jones and Simmons?"  (As red-shirts, they of course are slated last.)

Sandra turned to Jones, with the intent of Sensing his Talent.  She paused.  "Oh, that's interesting."

"Interesting good, or interesting bad?" Jones asked nervously.

"Just interesting.  You and Simmons seem to have the same talent.  That's unusual, most talents don't repeat.  The only case I've ever heard of is the Curse Fiends, at Lake Ogrechobee, who all have the talent of curses.  Do you belong to a larger group of some sort, whose members tend to blend together?"

"Well…we're security guards," Jones said uncertainly.

"That must be it, " Sandra decided.  "Anyway, let me see what your Talent is."  She laid a hand on each Jones and Simmons.  "You both have the talent of the Blunder."

"Oh, that figures," Jones said darkly.

"Cheer up," Sandra advised.  "I'm sure it will be a perfectly good talent once you understand it."

"That could apply to all of us very easily," McCoy commented.  "So much for a dull and uneventful mission."

"That reminds me," Kirk said, "we should call the ship and let them know there's more down here than we thought."

He pulled out his communicator and flipped it open with a careless air.  Everyone in the landing party expected the usual trill.  It didn't come.  Kirk twisted a dial, flipped a switch.  Nothing.  He applied the tried and true method of fixing faulty machinery: he tapped it.  Still nothing.  Kirk slowly closed the communicator and put it away.  The landing party members looked at each other.

"It seems we have discovered another aspect of the force at work on this peninsula," Spock said impassively.  "It prevents communication to the ship."

"No, you think, Spock?" McCoy snapped.

"Yes, I do," Spock agreed.

McCoy ignored him.  "What are we going to do now, Jim?"

"I'm sure we'll think of something," Kirk said.  Which, translated, meant he had no idea and hoped he'd come up with one soon.

"I know what you can do," Sandra volunteered, having managed to follow at least half to three-quarters of the conversation.

"Please, don't tell us to go ask the Wizard," McCoy requested.

"Now, Bones, I'm sure she has a better suggestion than 'follow the yellow brick road and ask the Wizard of Oz how we can get home.'"  Kirk turned to Sandra.  "Now, what's your suggestion?"

"Follow the enchanted path and ask the Good Magician how you can get home."

Are we in suspense yet?  Maybe not.  But either way, you'll have to wait to find out about the Good Magician until the next chapter.  Unless you're a fortunate soul who knows anyway.  I'll try not to make it too long a wait though… : )

Whatshername: I have never had my stories so carefully broken down into degrees of humor…interesting.  Hope this chapter was equally amusing.

PearlGirl: A reference to a money tree is coming, I promise…

Alania: It's a little like Enchanted Forest.  But, if possible, stranger.

Grace: You have no idea what you've opened yourself up for.  Pay attention, everyone!  Xanth is not from a book.  Xanth is a series.  There are currently twenty-seven of them, and more coming.  The first one is A Spell for Chameleon, and therefore an excellent place to start, followed by Source of Magic.  I highly recommend all of them.  Mine is set somewhere around book fifteen I think…okay, I don't really know.  But anyway, that's where Xanth is from.  But no, he didn't write Phantom Tollbooth.  Which I actually have on a shelf, reasons unknown.

Kiri: Hello, cuz, you already saw this but feel like reviewing anyway?

Trekker-t: SOMEONE else has read Xanth!  Yay!

Silverfang: Well, I was going to drop React temporarily, but [sigh] I'll do my best…I just posted chapter 39 by the way.

Taskemus: It's different kind of humor?  I hadn't noticed.  Maybe I'm becoming well-rounded, somehow.

Okay, that's all.  Review again please!


	4. They Encounter Several Trees

Disclaimer: Star Trek is not mine.  If you sue, you will probably get Life money.  Or "auschimarks," the currency used in Germany just before WWII, and which was pretty much useless because you could spend it only in Germany.  [cough] Sorry, random historical fact from my West Civ class…anyway…

CHAPTER 4: In Which They Encounter Several Trees

Captain's Log, Supplemental: We were slowly learning more about this strange land we'd arrived in.  Little did we know the things we would soon encounter.  Unusual people, and even more unusual trees.

Several looks went around.  (Feel free to guess the precise number yourself.)

"So…you think we should ask the…'Good Magician' how to get back to our ship?" Kirk asked.

Sandra nodded.  "Any time anyone has a major problem, affecting the rest of their lives, they go to ask Good Magician Humfrey about it."

"Shouldn't it be Humphrey?" Spock commented.

"No, it's Humfrey."

No one knew how they could all tell the difference, and no one asked.

"So what makes you think the, uh, Good Magician can help us?" Kirk asked.  "We can't be much like his usual customers."

"Shouldn't matter," Sandra said blithely.  "He's the Magician of Information.  He knows everything."

McCoy nodded.  "I know a few people like that.  Or who at least think that way."  He shot a glance at Spock.

"Are you implying something, Doctor?" Spock said mildly.

"Me?  Imply something?" McCoy said innocently.  "Would I imply something?"  He appealed to Kirk.  "Jim, would I imply something?"

"You?  Imply something?  About Spock?  No.  Not very often anyway.  Only two or three times an hour."

McCoy started to protest, thought better of it, and let the issue go.

"Seems to me we might as well go ask the Good Magician," Kirk decided.  "After all, we don't have any better ideas.  I assume."  Such was the case.  "All right.  Which way to the Good Magician's castle?"

"That way," Sandra said, indicating left.

"Okay, that way we go."

"Actually, you want to go that way," Sandra corrected, indicating right.

The cloud of confusion swooped in and descended on Kirk.  "But if the castle's that way…"

"Right.  But North Village is that way.  And before you go wandering through the jungle for a couple days to see the Good Magician, you need to go to North Village, for information and supplies."

"That is logical," Spock acknowledged.

So that's what they did.

As she'd said, North Village was about fifteen minutes' walk away.  It was a small village, medieval-era in technology.  Rather quaint.  Not too different from a historical village on earth.  Except for a lot of pie trees, a few pan-trees, and several other things the Starfleet officers didn't even try to identify.

They didn't see many people.  Only two or three.  Sandra seemed to be leading them through a portion of the village that was fairly empty this time of the day.  Which was fortunate, since the few people they did see looked at them (appearing disturbed), glanced at Sandra (appearing marginally reassured), and then continued looking at them oddly.

Eventually they went through a large square, dominated by an impressively sized tree.  Simmons and Jones chanced to have fallen slightly behind the rest of the group when a voice addressed them.

"Hello.  Are you new to this section of Xanth?"

Jones and Simmons looked around.  No one was in sight.  The confusion cloud, which had lifted but trailed along in the hopes that it would be useful again, saw its opportunity and swooped back in.

The originator of the voice saw their confusion, and went on.  "Over here."  There was a ripple of laughter.  "The one with all the branches."

They finally realized where the voice was coming from.

Jones blinked, stared, and poked Simmons in the shoulder.  "Did the _tree_ just…"

Simmons nodded.  "Yes."

"Oh."  Jones considered.  "Well, if I have to go insane, at least I'm not the only one.  That's something."

"Not much of something."

"No.  But if it counts for anything," Jones continued pleasantly, "I can think of many worse people to go insane with."

"I'm touched," Simmons said sarcastically.

"We both are," Jones reminded him.

Sandra had by now realized that she was missing two members of the party.  "Is there a problem?"

"The tree's talking to us," Jones said simply.

Kirk and McCoy exchanged looks.  (That's only two.)  Spock's eyebrow rose.  The cloud of confusion started to head for Spock but decided that wasn't a wise move, and went towards Kirk and McCoy instead.

Sandra, by contrast, took the entire thing in stride.  "Well of course.  That's Justin Tree."

"Justin Tree?" Jones repeated.

"The tree has a name," Simmons murmured.  "Figures."

"They somehow arrived at the impression they were going insane."  The voice was back.  "I doubted that further explanation on my part would help matters."

"Probably true," Sandra agreed.  "Justin was once a man, but he was transformed into a tree by Evil Magician Trent a long time ago, when he was fighting the Storm King.  Magician Trent's talent is transformation.  He lost the war though, and was exiled to drear Mundania.  He came back after twenty years or so though.  By then the Storm King was old and dying, so the Council of Elders appointed Magician Trent king.  He was one of the greatest kings we ever had," she concluded thoughtfully.

The cloud of confusion was having a very busy day.  Having withdrawn in the middle of the explanation, it now swooped back down on Kirk.

"Wait, _Evil_ Magician Trent was appointed king?  And made a really good one?"

"Well of course he wasn't evil anymore," Sandra said matter-of-factly.  "He was only evil because he was opposing the standing order.  Once he was legally appointed king he was no longer considered evil, and he successfully brought Xanth into a new Golden Age."

"There is a certain logic in that," Spock acknowledged.

"I knew there was a reason I wasn't following it."  That was McCoy, of course.

"Anyway, we should get going.  See you later, Justin."

"I'll be here," Justin promised.

They continued on, and soon arrived at Sandra's house.  Her mother reacted quite well to the idea that Sandra had brought home five Mundanes she found wandering in the woods.  She also agreed that their only reasonable option was to go to the Good Magician.  And she even knew how they could get there (because of course five Mundanes couldn't be turned loose in Xanth and be expected to survive).  It seemed they had relatives living in a village near the Good Magician's Castle, who Sandra had been meaning to visit.  It would be simple enough for Sandra to show them most of the way.

They located some Xanth-normal clothes, a few supplies (including blankets off the blanket-tree), and then they set off.

*  *  *

The trip went without trouble for most of the day.  Well, Jones and Simons had a few problems, mostly involving rocks they swore jumped onto the path and tripped them.  Sandra did not find this nearly as odd as Kirk, Spock, and McCoy did.

But aside from that they didn't encounter any dangerous or even annoying denizens of Xanth.  Sandra explained that that was the nature of the enchantment on the enchanted path: nothing harmful could come on it.  The problem was when you left the path.

The problem arrived late that afternoon.

The path split, and Sandra looked at it with a frown.  The main path bent off to the right, a smaller path meandering roughly in the original direction.

"I forgot about this bend in the path.  It turns back towards the Good Magician's castle eventually, of course.  Seems a pity to have to walk in the wrong direction for who knows how long though."

"Why not take this way?" McCoy asked, wandering down the smaller path.  Sandra, facing towards the main path, didn't notice.  "This one looks just as nice.  Nicer even."

"Right.  That's the problem," Sandra said.

"That makes very little sense," McCoy said dismissively.  "And this one goes the right way."  He walked a little farther.  "Until that big tree with the weird branches, anyway.  I can't really see past there…"

He kept walking.  Sandra finally noticed.

Her eyes widened into something resembling just this side of panic.  "Don't walk down there."

"Why?  There's nothing but a tree."

"Exactly!" Sandra snapped.  "That tree happens to be dangerous!"

McCoy laughed.  "What's it going to do?  _Eat me_?"

"YES!"

The rest of the landing party shot her some very strange looks.

McCoy turned, with a similarly puzzled expression.  His back was to the tree, which is why he wasn't the first to realize what was happening.  That was either Kirk or Sandra, with Spock as a very close third.  Jones and Simmons were relatively slow.

The weird branches, you see, resembled nothing so much as tentacles.  And they were moving.  And they had noticed McCoy.

"Bones!  Behind you!"  Kirk snapped.  He started forward at a run, aware that Spock was at his heels and that neither one of them would be in time to do anything.

A huge tentacle was whipping out.  McCoy realized a second and a half too late, and only got about three steps in before the tentacle plucked him up.

And the bulge on the tree trunk that had opened up into a gaping maw was not reassuring.  Sandra hadn't been kidding about the tree eating him.

Kirk skidded to a halt, and stared up at the writhing tentacles of the tree, wondering what on Earth—or rather, in Xanth—one did when one's friend was being carried off by a tree.

[A/N: Aren't you glad I didn't stop the chapter here?]

And then an unanticipated variable stepped in.

McCoy was something of a creature of habit, even when being borne to a grisly death.  Which is why, struggling against the tentacle, he shouted, "Put me down, damn it, I'm a doctor, not plant food!"

And the truly amazing thing is, the tree put him down.  It froze for a moment, then lowered him down and retreated its tentacle, leaving McCoy sprawled on the path.

McCoy sat up, blinked, and asked, "_What_ just happened?"

"We'll figure it out later," Kirk said, "Let's get out of here!"

While the tree may have put McCoy down, it did not seem uninclined to go after all three of them again.  Kirk hauled McCoy to his feet, and the three of them beat a hasty retreat back to the enchanted path and out of range of the whipping tangle of tentacles.  Its victims gone, the tree settled back into sullen quiet.  

It took a moment for everyone to catch their breaths.

"What _was_ that thing?" Kirk demanded.

"That's a tangle tree," Sandra said, somewhat shaken.  "Tangle trees are big, and bad.  They create nice paths to lure in the unwary.  Nobody who know better messes with tangle trees.  Except maybe ogres, who aren't too bright but amazingly strong.  The tangle trees are just about as powerful as they come in Xanth."

"Then why am I alive?" McCoy asked.

Spock had been thinking about that.  "I suspect that that was the work of your 'talent.'"

"Say, that could be true," Sandra said, pleased with the thought.  She hadn't thought of it herself, but now that the idea had been raised she thoroughly agreed.

"My talent's surviving tangle trees?" McCoy asked dubiously.

Sandra shook her head.  "Of course not.  Remember what I said?  The Negative Profession, with an invocation."

A light bulb appeared over Kirk, and shed some light on the matter.  "I think I get it.  An invocation."

It began to dawn on McCoy.  "Wait.  You mean the invocation is…"

"'I'm a doctor, not a…'" Kirk filled in, grinning.

"Well, that about fits in with the absurdity of this entire place," McCoy muttered.

Sandra continued oblivious.  "The explanation is fairly obvious now.  Once you tell someone, or something, that you're not whatever, then they don't view you as that."

"That you should make you happy," Kirk commented.

"Yeah, it's not like people listen normally," McCoy returned.  There was no doubt who he meant by "people."

"He's implying things again," Kirk commented to Spock.

McCoy rolled his eyes.  "_Anyway_, should we keep going?"

Sandra nodded.  "We probably have a couple hours before dark."

You will notice that our brave heroes were recovering from a very trying experience with remarkable ease and speed.  Long practice gets you used to that sort of thing.

This, however, did not apply very well for Jones and Simmons, who you will have noticed were being rather quiet.  They were quickly coming to the conclusion that a place with carnivorous trees (and ones who dared to carry off even senior officers) was no place for them.

The group continued down the enchanted path.  Three were in good spirits, one was impassive, and two were nervous.

"So where do people camp in this place?" Kirk asked.

"There's an umbrella tree grove that would be perfect, an hour or two ahead if I remember right," Sandra answered.

"An umbrella tree?"  McCoy grinned.  "Wait, don't tell me.  It's a tree that grows umbrellas, right?"

Sandra laughed.  "No, of course not.  That would be silly!"

McCoy shrugged.  "Well, you win some, you lose some.  What is an umbrella tree like?"

"A tree shaped like an umbrella," Sandra said blithely.

"Oh yes, I can see how that's not silly at all," McCoy murmured.

Wedge Antilles:  Are you still confused?  Because if you don't tell me what you're confused about, I can't really help…

Taskemus: Yeah, it's a looong series.  The original trilogy ended up as nine books.  That's how Piers Anthony explains it anyway.

Alania: Yeah, I know…pointless rambling is rather fun…And I don't actually recall wisps of curiosity in Xanth.  But so long as I had a cloud of confusion, which seemed very Xanthish, I might as well have wisps of curiosity too.

PearlGirl: Glad you liked the talents.  They'll be back…well, they've already been back, this is the end of the chapter, but they'll be back again.

Whatshername: [sigh] The name is still throwing me off.  But more to the point: Centaur Aisle's pretty good.  Funny, I just reread that one.  And algebra is so easy to put off.

Okay, I think that's everyone.  Will be posting again as soon as possible which won't be as soon as it would normally, as I leave on vacation in, let's see, roughly an hour.  See you all in a week!


	5. They Encounter the Gap

Disclaimer: Let's do a slight reverse.  What _do_ I own?  Well…Sandra.  Jones.  Simmons is Whatshername's.  The TOS characters' talents are original.  The pan tree is mine.  And…I think that's all.  The rest will have to be referred over to either Piers Anthony or Gene Roddenberry, take your pick.

The few of you who have read Xanth may wonder when in the long chronology this is supposed to take place.  Answer: No clue.  I'll let you know when I figure that out.  In the meantime, read and enjoy.

CHAPTER 5: In Which They Encounter the Gap

_Captain's Log, Supplemental: We realized early on that Xanth has interesting plant life.  It wasn't long before we found out that they had some interesting landscape features as well._

About midafternoon the following day, our brave band reached one of Xanth's most impressive, and until recently least memorable, landmarks:  The Gap Chasm.

They stood at the edge, and stared.

"Are you sure we're not in Colorado?" McCoy asked, awed.

"I'm beginning to wonder," Kirk agreed.

Spock's eyebrow rose.  "As we are 27.5 lightyears from Earth, there are very low odds that this could be Colorado.  Even more unlikely than that this may be Florida, as the geographic shape is wrong."

"Well, yes, that makes sense.  But there's no denying that this resembles the Grand Canyon," McCoy argued.

It did, kind of.  Approaching the edge and looking down, it was a sheer drop of thousands of feet, perhaps a mile or more.  It was difficult to say for certain, as the bottom was shrouded in fog.

Jones and Simmons refused to approach the edge.  They had a thing against heights.

"So how are we going to get across this?" Kirk asked Sandra.

"That's easy," she assured him.  "We take the invisible bridge."

"Oh.  The invisible bridge."  Kirk blinked, reviewed.  "The _invisible_ _bridge_?  As in…a bridge that's invisible?"

Sandra nodded.  "Essentially."

"I am not walking across a mile-deep canyon on thin air!" McCoy protested.

"It's not on air," Sandra said patiently.  "It's on the invisible bridge."

McCoy nodded sagely.  "That makes me feel _so_ much better," he said sarcastically.

"I'm not crossing the Grand Canyon on a bridge I can't see!" Jones squeaked.

"It's very simple," Kirk assured him.  "Just don't look down."

Jones and Simmons looked at him with twin expressions of dismay and terror.

"I was _kidding_!" Kirk said quickly.

"Here's hoping _she's_ kidding," McCoy put in.

"I'm not," Sandra said firmly.  "I don't see what you're all so upset about, it's just a bridge.  Invisible, yes, but a bridge.  People use it all the time."

"People, maybe, I don't know about these people though," Kirk said, looking around him.

"Oh honestly," Sandra said impatiently, walking forward.

The enchanted path went straight to the edge of the chasm.  The cliff could have been a table edge in sharpness, and to all appearances the path went right up to the cliff edge and stopped.  Sandra kept walking.  Right over the edge.  Out into open air with no decrease in elevation.

"See?"  She stamped a foot on apparently empty air.  It made a definite thud.  "It's a perfectly good bridge."

"That is among the strangest things I have ever seen," McCoy concluded.

"Well…should we give it a try?" Kirk asked.

"Jim, you can't be serious!"

Kirk shrugged.  "She doesn't appear to be falling.  And anyway, risks are our business, remember?  When man first looked at the stars—"

"It's a _mile_ down!"

"And she's standing over it somehow."  Kirk wasn't listening to any further protests.  He stepped up to the edge of the cliff, and cautiously slid one foot over the edge.  It was supported.  He stepped off the cliff entirely, walked out a few steps, studying the odd effect of looking at a mile deep gorge under his feet.  "Weird.  But apparently stable."

"_Now_ are you convinced?" Sandra demanded of the others.  "What does it take to convince you this is safe, even if you _are_ Mundanes?"

"Doesn't have a high opinion of Mundanes, does she?" McCoy commented.

"Guess not," Kirk agreed, wondering how wide the bridge was and if it would be a good idea to test that.

McCoy was reaching the point of conviction.  Strange as it all was, enough time on the _Enterprise_ does leave you somewhat inured to strangeness.  Holding his breath (for all the good that would be likely to do), he carefully stepped off the cliff.  Half surprised that it really did hold, he looked down, decided that one look was enough, and made sure to look straight ahead.  He cautiously walked out towards Kirk and Sandra, who were a fair distance out by now.

This left three people still on the cliff.  Jones and Simmons were not moving.  Nothing doing.  Nobody and nothing, short of a charging dragon, was going to get them out onto empty air.  Kirk could court-martial them, but they were sticking to visible ground. 

Spock, on the other hand, wasn't suffering from anxiety.  He was in the midst of scientific curiosity instead.  He was willing to walk out as soon as Sandra did, confirming the existence of something, except that he was more interested in determining the something.  Which is why he was still on the cliff edge, studying the point where the bridge joined the cliff.

"What is this bridge constructed of?" Spock asked.

"Invisible stone, I think," Sandra called back.

Spock considered.  "That is not logical."

Sandra's eyes widened.  "Mr. Spock, don't say that."

Spock was oblivious to her concern.  "I am simply attempting to determine the reasonableness of the existence of the bridge.  It does not seem quite logical."

"Somebody stop him," Sandra said in a low voice.

"Can't be done.  Believe me, I've tried," McCoy assured her.

Sure enough, Spock was continuing.  "If the stones were invisible, how were they quarried?  They would have to be cut into appropriate shapes, and if one cannot see what one is cutting, the builders could never be certain that the stones were in the necessary shape."

"We gotta get off of here," Sandra said urgently.

After the business with the tree, Kirk and McCoy knew better than to argue.  They all started back towards the cliff edge.

"A further difficulty would come when the actual building commenced," Spock went on.  "How can building be accomplished without visible materials?  What proof did the builders have that there were no holes, or that they had even successfully followed the initial design?  I do not think that this bridge could have been built.  And if it could not be built, it therefore cannot exist," he concluded.

So it didn't.

Sandra and McCoy were within a step of the cliff anyway, and made it onto the edge with no more trouble than a little imbalance at the point of stepping off.  Kirk was less fortunate.  He was a few steps behind them, which left him firmly standing on a bridge that couldn't logically exist and, that having been pointed out, ceased to exist.  Starting to fall, Kirk threw himself forward, just barely grabbing onto the edge of the cliff, leaving him dangling over the mile deep Gap Chasm.

A/N: You know where the phrase "cliffhanger" comes from, don't you?  The old serials, which ended each installment with the hero in some sort of predicament.  Occasionally even hanging off a cliff.

We will not be emulating them right now.

Fortunately for Kirk, this wasn't nearly as bad as it appeared at first glance.  If he'd been hanging there all alone, he probably still could have pulled himself up.  Circumstances as they were, it was the work of a moment for Spock to pull him up.

Once everyone was back on solid ground, they could concentrate on other things.  Jones and Simmons were quickly deciding that they really, really, didn't belong in a place with carnivorous trees and invisible bridges that had the nerve to disappear underneath the Captain.  Nope, this was no place for them.  They'd been having an incredible string of good luck (that is to say, nothing really bad had happened yet), but it was certain to change, and probably soon.

Other people were thinking of other things.

"_Now_ you've done it!" Sandra snapped at Spock.

"What, precisely, have I done?" Spock asked, quite at a loss.

"You logicked the bridge right out of existence!"

"He did _what_?" McCoy asked, confused.

"He figured out why the bridge can't exist!  And then his blasted talent stepped in and it stopped existing!  It'll wear off eventually, for all the good _that_ does us."

"Say, that's pretty powerful," Kirk commented.

"It seems to have caused a problem though," Spock observed.

"S'okay, Spock, don't feel bad," McCoy told him.  "You were just being you."

"I am always me.  Therefore that statement—"

"Don't tell me I'm illogical.  I'm immune, remember?"  McCoy was enjoying himself.  He hadn't been too pleased by the idea of an invisible bridge anyway.

"I remember."

"Anyway, to get back to something resembling business," Kirk interrupted.  He didn't think they were going to start off (and he had a pretty good instinct regarding that) but where Spock and McCoy were concerned, you can't be too careful.  "How do we get across the Gap now?  Any other bridges?"

"Only the one-way bridge, and it's too far away."

McCoy blinked.  "The _one-way_ bridge?"

"It only exists going one direction," Sandra said absently.

Spock considered.  "That is not—"

"_Don't say it_!" Kirk and McCoy said in unison.

"You're really going to have to curb those analytical impulses of yours, Spock," McCoy said.

Now _there _was a line that would start them off.  "So, how _do_ we get across?" Kirk said quickly.

Sandra shrugged.  "I guess we'll have to find a way down.  And once we're down, a find a way up on the other side."

"This will be fun," McCoy muttered.

"It's not that bad," Sandra said, "people do it all the time.  I just hope we don't run into the Gap Dragon."

"Of course there's a dragon," McCoy agreed.  "It would be too easy if it was just empty down there."

Jones and Simmons took notice of this.

"Uh…what exactly do you mean by 'dragon?'" Simmons asked uncomfortably.

"Um, are we talking…_dragon_ dragon?" Jones said nervously.

"Like one with scales?" Simmons asked.

"And teeth?" Jones asked.

"And horns?"

"And teeth?"

"And fire?"

"And teeth?"

"And claws?"

"And teeth?"

"And a tail?"

"And tee—"

"Yes, yes, yes, no, yes, yes…"  Sandra shook her head as though to clear it.  "Yes to everything but the fire.  The Gap Dragon is a steamer."

"Oh, _that's_ comforting," Jones muttered.

"That's the spirit," Kirk said encouragingly, just as though Jones had meant it.  "Now let's see about getting down there."

*  *  *

It wasn't too long before they found a path along the face of the cliff that snaked its way down to the bottom of the Gap.  Narrow, but manageable, and with a little luck Sandra said they could probably make it down and up again by nightfall.  (A/N: I don't know how people climb in and out of the Gap that fast, but they really do.)

"How far does the Gap extend?" Kirk asked idly, starting down the path.

"Most of the way across the middle of Xanth," Sandra answered.

"That would be inconvenient," Spock commented.  "Why are there only two bridges?"

"Well, the one-way bridge and the invisible bridge have been here for _ages_.  I guess no one's had time yet to build any new ones."

This created a certain amount of puzzlement.  

"The Gap Chasm has obviously existed for countless millennia," Spock pointed out.

"Well, yes, but no one remembered it."  Seeing several blank looks, Sandra went on.  "The story goes that when King Dor was young he went back in time 800 years, where he accidentally set off a Forget Spell in the Gap.  So for centuries no one beyond the Gap could remember that it existed.  But a while back, after the Time of No Magic, the Forget Spell weakened and broke up, so everyone can remember the Gap now."

McCoy elbowed Kirk.  "Jim, we gotta get out of here as soon as possible," he said in a low voice.

"Any particular reason?"

"Her explanations are starting to make sense to me."

*  *  *

They stopped to rest just over an hour later.  The path widened at a spot halfway down, where a tree was making a valiant effort to grow.  They paused for a break near it.

"Well, this hasn't been so bad so far," Kirk commented.

"If you think so, sir."  Jones, obviously, did not think so.

"Don't tell me you're afraid of heights, Ensign," Kirk teased.

Jones gulped.  "Deathly."

Simmons, meanwhile, was standing near the tree.  He looked up at its branches, and noticed small red fruit.  He picked one, looked at it.  It was small, round, and bright red.  It was harder than he would have expected, but still familiar.  "Hey, I think this is a cherry tree!"

"Don't eat that!" Sandra snapped urgently.  "And don't drop it either!"

This, of course, only brought out Simmons' clumsier tendencies.  He jumped, almost let go, closed his hand again, and thrust it at Sandra.

She took the cherry.  "Watch," she instructed, and threw it at the path behind them.

It exploded on impact.

"They aren't edible," Sandra said calmly, sitting down again.

Simmons stared at the crater in mute horror.

"Back on Earth, couple centuries ago," McCoy said thoughtfully, "didn't they use to have…?"

"Cherry bombs?"  Kirk nodded.  "Yes."

"Figures we couldn't go an entire chapter without a pun."

*  *  *

Of course, one can't expect to climb down to the bottom of the Gap Chasm without encountering at least one spot that's really too narrow to be entirely acceptable.  They encountered it three quarters of the way down, where they had to turn and walk sideways due to the narrowness of the path.  At least one member of the party was not happy.

"I'm not gonna die, I'm not gonna die, I'm not gonna die," Jones chanted, wishing desperately that he could convince himself of it.  He peeked downwards, looking at the drop-off two inches past his toes as he stood with his back against the cliff.  "I'm gonna DIE!"

"You're not going to die, Ensign!" Kirk snapped.

"Why _not_?" Jones asked hysterically.  "What's gonna _stop_ me?"

"You're not going to die because I _said_ you're not going to die!"

Jones considered.  "Oh.  Well that's all right then."

McCoy, privately, felt that Jones did have something of a point, really.  "This is crazy," he muttered, "I'm a doctor not a—"

"Don't say it!" Kirk said quickly. 

McCoy looked at Kirk in front of him (actually, since they were turned facing out, on his left, but below him on the path) in some amount of surprise.  "What?"

"Mountain-climber, right?  You were about to say you're not a mountain-climber, right?"

McCoy blinked.  "Well, yes, something to that effect."

"And that would have been a _great_ effect.  You magic yourself out of being a mountain-climber while we're halfway up a cliff!"

McCoy swallowed.  "Good thing you interrupted me."

"Actually," Sandra said from beyond Kirk, "it wouldn't necessarily stop him from being a mountain-climber, it would just stop whoever he said it to from viewing him as a mountain-climber."  She paused.  "So…who _were_ you saying it to?"

"Myself, I guess."

Sandra considered.  "Yes, that could create a problem."

"Anyway," McCoy concluded, "there's definitely downsides to these talents."

"Indeed.  It seems that you are going to have to curb those complaining impulses of yours, Doctor, " Spock deadpanned.

McCoy shot him a dark look and opened his mouth with some retort or other.

"Now really isn't the time, save it until we're on solid ground, all right?" Kirk interrupted.

"Save what?" McCoy asked innocently.

"Just climb."

*  *  *

The path eventually ended, as all things do.  Fortunately, it didn't end until the bottom of the Gap, when they could all safely get off.

"Wow.  It really does look as deep from down here as it did from up there," McCoy commented, looking upwards.

"It is a rather impressive feature of the landscape," Spock agreed.  "I can think of few parallels."

"Anyway, we're definitely not in Florida," Kirk commented.  "Or Colorado, seeing as there's no river."  The bottom of the Gap was dry rock, and not as wide as one might think from it's depth.  "And," Kirk added with a grin, "I don't think we're in Kansas anymore either."

Spock blinked.  "What would lead anyone to believe that we are in Kansas, Captain?"

"Nothing, Spock, nothing at all."

After which exchange they set about seeking a way to get up the other side.  They didn't look very long.  Not because they found a route, but because they heard something.

"Do you hear something?" Kirk asked.

"A land bound animal, six legs and a tail, though it seems to move much in the manner of a snake, though vertically."  That, of course, was from the only one with pointed ears.

"The dragon!" Jones and Simmons shrieked in unison, and hid behind Kirk.

Kirk looked over his shoulder and gave them a strange look, then turned back in the direction of the dragon.  "How do we fight the Gap Dragon?" he asked Sandra.

Sandra looked very uncomfortable.  "Um…I was really, really, _really_ hoping we wouldn't meet the Gap Dragon.  I mean, the odds are fairly low, the Gap is pretty big…"

"Great," McCoy muttered.  "We beat the odds again.  Lucky us."

By now, a cloud of steam was visible down the canyon.  "I believe the dragon is getting closer," Spock commented unnecessarily.

"Take cover!" Jones yelped.  His chief idea regarding cover seemed to be to wrap his arms over his head.

"Would cover help?" Kirk asked.

"Can't hurt," Sandra said helplessly.

They made for the site of a past landslide, and crouched down behind the loose boulders.  The Gap Dragon rounded the curve and came into plain view.  It was painfully obvious that the boulders were not going to help.  The Gap Dragon was known for being one of the most formidable monsters of Xanth.  The Starfleet officers had no way of knowing that, but they could guess it. He was low-slung, with a triple pair of legs, and iridescent metallic scales. And teeth.  Big ones.

"We're doomed!" Simmons moaned.

"We're not doomed."  Kirk reached for his phaser.  It wasn't until he encountered the cloth of his Xanthian clothes that he remembered.  His phaser was in his pack, along with his uniform.  And besides, it didn't matter where it was.  If communicators didn't work, phasers wouldn't either.  He frowned.  "Maybe we are doomed."

"We're doomed," Jones agreed fervently.

"No, we're not," Kirk said firmly, contradicting both Jones and himself.  "We'll just have to fight magic with magic.  However we do that."

"My talent's no good, I already know the Gap Dragon's magic," Sandra said grimly.  "Destroying anything that comes into the Gap."

"I suppose I could point out that I'm a doctor, not dragon food, but I don't know what good that would do the rest of you."

"It's something.  Spock?"

Spock was studying the dragon as it approached.  "I can see nothing illogical about it."

McCoy stared at him.  "You're kidding me."

"I'm sure if I were to engage it in conversation such would not be the case.  However, I can see nothing illogical in its means of movement, its method of attack, or its desire to eat us."

That left them pretty well stuck.  No one even thought of Jones and Simmons, and the two security guards were in no way insulted by this exclusion.

"Well," Kirk said grimly, standing up, "guess that leaves me."

"Jim, what're you going to do?" McCoy asked apprehensively, and with good reason.

Kirk stepped out into the open area of the chasm, directly in the path of the oncoming Gap Dragon.  "Try to bluff a dragon, I think."

~~~~

Wedge Antilles: Y'know, I figured when I wrote this that my ulterior motive would be to get you to all go to your libraries and find Xanth books…it seems to be working remarkably well.

PearlGirl: Okay, let me explain how McCoy's talent saved him.  See, he told the tangle tree that he was a doctor, not plant food.  His magical talent kicked in, and the tangle tree figured, oops, guess this guy isn't good for eating, and put him down.  Of course, there's no telling how long that would have effect, so it was still a good idea to leave, and quickly.

BlessTheMoon: Someone else has read Xanth!  Let's see, will they encounter any main characters?  Yes, very soon.  Magician Humphrey and family, and after that, well, we'll see.  As for the year's service, the vast majority do some other kind of service anyway.

Kiri of Gondor: How can you possibly give away the plot?  _I_ don't know what the plot is yet!

Alania: This may come across in the wrong tone since it's written but I'm honestly just trying to ask: Do the swear words really bother you?  I stick absolutely just to d*mn and h*ll, and anything else would bother _me_, but I don't consider those two so bad.  But I'll try not to use them, it's only been in the last year or so that I started using them at all anyway.

Whatshername: Yes, you should be glad you weren't fed to a tangle tree.  Now let's keep up with our posting and not get tossed in the Gap Chasm, hmm?  : )

I think that's all.  Oh yes.  Don't hate me, I'll post again soon. : )


	6. Gaps, Bluffs, and Challenges

Disclaimer: I don't feel like writing a disclaimer.  So there isn't going to be one.  Go right ahead and sue.

CHAPTER 6: In Which We Drop the "In Which" Titles and Just Call It "Gaps, Bluffs and Challenges"

Captain's Log, Supplemental: I have bluffed many people in my time.  Romulans.  Klingons.  The First Federation.  Yes, many people, many times.  Stared death in the face and talked my way out.  But this is the first time death ever stared back.  With teeth and steam, besides.

"Jim, this is crazy—Jim!" Kirk was ignoring McCoy, and McCoy knew it.  "Spock, do something!" he hissed.

"What do you recommend I do, Doctor?" Spock asked tersely.  Only a handful of people in the galaxy could have detected any emotion in the statement, but it was there.

"Convince Jim that he's nuts!"

"That is not an endeavor undertaken lightly."

"He's walking in front of a _dragon_!  You can't tell me that's _logical_!"

"Under the circumstances, it is entirely logical according to the world as viewed by James Kirk."

At the moment, the world as viewed by James Kirk was narrowing rather dramatically.  He tuned both of them out.  He'd tuned out Simmons' and Jones' panicked "we'regonnadiewe'regonnadiewe'regonnadie" some time ago.  The world was narrowing down to a lot of scales, teeth, and steam.  The trouble, of course, was how do you bluff a dragon?  Kirk had bluffed Romulans, he'd bluffed Klingons…he'd bluffed his way out of an awful lot of messes.  But how do you bluff a dragon?

He cleared his throat.  "You don't want to eat us," he announced.  Brilliant, Jim, just brilliant, he's sure to take your word for it, a snide corner of his mind said.  But on the other hand, it did seem to be slowing down…  "You see…we don't taste very good," he informed it.  "Pretty terrible in fact.  I doubt green blood would agree with your system."  Was it actually stopping?  It was still jetting steam though.  Maybe it always stopped before steaming its prey.  Maybe he'd better think of a better bluff.  Well…there was always the old standby.  He went on more confidently.  "Of course, what do I know, maybe you don't even eat people.  You're just doing your job, defending the Gap against all manner of intruders.  But trust me on this, you don't want to steam us.  You see, we're all carrying…corbomite.  I'm sure you've heard of it.  No?  Well, it's a dangerous substance, very dangerous.  Especially when exposed to heat or pressure.  It explodes.  Violently.  Could blow out half the Gap.  And us.  And you as well.  Now, I don't want to die.  My friends don't want to die.  And I'm sure you don't want to die.  So how about you just let us continue our business?  We're leaving as soon as we can anyway.  It would be mutually beneficial if you just went along with your business at the other end of the Gap."  And then he waited.

The Gap Dragon looked at him sideways for a long moment.  Kirk held his breath.  And then, it turned and walked away.

Kirk stared after it, vaguely aware that Spock, McCoy and Sandra had come out of the boulders to watch it leave as well.  Jones and Simmons were still busy huddling in terror.

"I think it believed me," Kirk commented.

"I need to sit down," Sandra decided, and did.

"Fascinating," was Spock's opinion.  In reference to the retreating Gap Dragon, not in reference to Sandra.

"Did you have the faintest idea what you were doing out there?" McCoy demanded.

Kirk grinned.  "Not a clue."

"Why do you _do_ things like that?!"

Kirk shrugged.  "Because they work."

"And the day they stop working?"

Kirk assumed an expression of deep thought and concentration.  "Well," he said slowly and with the utmost gravity, "I'll probably die."

McCoy shook his head, but he was grinning too.  After all, they had just narrowly escaped being eaten by a dragon.

"Do you really have green blood?" Sandra asked abruptly.

Kirk blinked at her.  "What?"  Then he remembered.  That had been part of his rambling at the Gap Dragon.  "Oh.  Well, uh, not exactly.  I don't, that is, but…"

"He does not, but I do," Spock volunteered, solving Kirk's problem of explanation.

"Oh." Sandra took it without a great deal of surprise, just giving Spock a slightly puzzled look.  "You're not…quite human, are you?"

"Not quite," Spock agreed, ignoring McCoy's bemused expression.

Sandra nodded.  "I kinda thought you weren't.  The ears, you know."  She blushed a little.  "I didn't want to say anything, but, well…I've never seen ears quite like those."

"That is because I am a Vulcan.  From the planet Vulcan."

"Hmm.  Never heard of Demon V(U/L)can.  Must be a new one," Sandra mused.

"Must be," McCoy agreed, making a valiant effort at keeping a straight face.

"That settled, let's get out of here before the Gap Dragon comes back," Kirk said, in another attempt to run interference.  He had a feeling another word out of McCoy was going to set them both off again.  Really, it wasn't an easy job stopping your two best friends from killing each other.

Fortunately, the Gap Dragon kept away long enough for them to convince Jones and Simmons that no, they weren't going to die, and then for all of them to find a place to climb up.

*  *  *

The rest of the day passed uneventfully.  They made it out of the Gap Chasm without another sighting of the Gap Dragon, who apparently was willing to believe in the existence of corbomite.  They camped in a grove of blanket trees that evening, and interesting things started happening again about midmorning of the next day.

It was about midmorning of the next day that they came to another village.  Spock put his hood up and in Xanthian clothes the others blended in, and no strange looks went their way.

The interesting part was that this was Sandra's stopping point.  From here on, the Starfleet crew was on their own.

"It's only another hour that way," Sandra assured them, at the far end of the village.

"Do you think we'll survive that long?" McCoy asked dryly.

Sandra hesitated.  "Well…just stay on the path."

"We're doomed," Jones announced.

"We're not doomed," Kirk snapped, despite having been thinking something similar himself only seconds before."

"Just…stay on the path.  It's not far."

"Here's hoping," McCoy put in.

"Oh…there's a couple things you should know about the Good Magician," Sandra said by way of an afterthought.  "First off, he's always right.  Doesn't matter how obscure, he's always right."

"No one is right one hundred percent of the time," Spock commented.

"Not even you?" McCoy said innocently.

"The Good Magician is," Sandra said firmly.  "Second, you can't just walk into the Good Magician's castle.  He doesn't like casual questions, so anyone who comes has to pass three challenges to get in."

"Challenges?" Simmons said unhappily.

"No one dies from them," Sandra said quickly.  "I don't think so, anyway…well, you'll be fine.  Good luck."

"Thanks.  For everything," Kirk said, smiling winningly.

"Any time," Sandra said cheerfully.  "Keep in touch."

"Well, if we're lucky we won't be around to keep in touch.  If we're unlucky, we'll look you up," Kirk promised.

Sandra flashed them each a smile, and started back towards the village.  They started down the enchanted path, pausing when Sandra called back.

"Almost forgot!  The Good Magician charges.  One year's service per question."

No one said anything.  Just stayed after her.  She waved cheerfully, and disappeared into the village.

A crackle of shock was hanging around the landing party.

"I believe we may have a slight problem," Spock said.

"Slight?  We don't _have_ a year," McCoy snapped.  "We don't even have a _week_."

"Maybe we could cut a deal with him," Kirk said, randomly casting around for an idea.

"Maybe we could try somewhere else," McCoy said.

"Where do you recommend?" Kirk countered.

McCoy shrugged.  "I don't know, but we sure can't stay here for a year."

"We'd be doomed," Jones said, Simmons nodding vehement agreement.

Kirk couldn't help but ask.  "What _is_ it with you and doom?"

"This is a very dangerous place," Jones said firmly.  "I don't like it here."

"Nothing's happened to you," McCoy pointed out.  "I'm the one the tree tried to eat."

"And I'm the one who went over the cliff.  You've actually been remarkably lucky."

"That will change, and soon," Simmons said, with all the certainty of predestination.

Kirk realized that he was fighting a losing battle.  He abandoned it for more important matters.  "Anyway, we've got to figure out what to do about the Good Magician's service requirements."

"I have a thought," Spock said.

"Of course you do."  That was McCoy.  Spock ignored him.

"Our question is how we can return to the _Enterprise_, correct?"

"Right."  That was Kirk.  Jones and Simmons wouldn't dream of interjecting into the first officer's thought process, and McCoy would have been more likely to say something along the lines of "Well, duh."

"And the _Enterprise_ will not remain in orbit for an entire year, correct?"

"Right."  Kirk again.

"That's the whole _problem_."  McCoy that time.

"Which puts us in an interesting position," Spock concluded.

"Which puts us in a mess," McCoy said bluntly.

"It seems obvious enough.  We cannot serve a year's service."

"Will you get to the point?" McCoy snapped.

"The matter is simple," Spock said calmly.  "If we remain here a year, the Enterprise will be gone, we will be unable to return, and therefore our answer will be valueless.  Therefore we should not have to pay.  Therefore, paying for the service negates the necessity for paying for the service.  The logic is circular, but inescapable.  The Good Magician will be forced to devise a different form of payment."

"I followed half of that, and I'll take your word on the rest," Kirk decided.  "Let's go ask the Good Magician."

*  *  *

They saw it as soon as they stepped out of the woods.  It was hard to miss.  Castles are generally hard to miss, especially ones with multiple towers and a wide moat.  The Good Magician's castle was no exception to this rule.  However, that's not what they saw as soon as they stepped out of the woods.  Or rather, it was, but they were also seeing something else that attracted far more attention.

Sitting directly in the middle of the path was a giant bunny.  White, with floppy ears.  And by giant, I do mean giant.  Ten feet tall, or so.

"Anyone care to explain why there's a giant bunny in the path?" Kirk asked rhetorically.

No one did.

"Think it's friendly?" McCoy asked dubiously.

"I hope so, because we've got to go around it."  With that, Kirk put actions to words and started towards the white rabbit.  

It watched him quite calmly for a moment.  Then, just as he started to edge past it, something changed.  Its jaw began to droop, its hind legs began to twitch, and it started foaming at the mouth.  Kirk backed up, and it's a good thing he did, because a second later it lunged at him.  And while a normal bunny is nothing to worry about, a ten foot tall one could inflict some damage.  Kirk retreated back down the path.

"I don't think it's friendly," Kirk announced.

It didn't follow, but it was watching them.  Sneaking past wasn't an option.

"Perhaps we should leave the path and circle around," Spock suggested.

"As a last resort.  I'd, ah, rather not leave the path though," Kirk said.  "There's a giant bunny on it, but who knows what's off it?"

"A valid point.  And it occurs to me that, as we are within view of the castle, this is probably our first challenge."

"Which means there's got to be some way past it," Kirk mused.  "But what?"

McCoy had been watching the bunny with a thoughtful expression.  "Oh.  I get it," he said abruptly.

"Enlighten us, please.  The rationale behind a giant, foaming bunny is beyond me," Kirk said, not without a trace of annoyance.

McCoy grinned.  "It's not a rabbit, Jim.  It's a rabid."

A pained expression crossed Kirk's face.  "Please tell me you did not just say that."

"I'm serious!  I recognize the symptoms."

"Knowing this place, you're probably right," Kirk admitted.  "So knowing that, what do we do about it?"

McCoy thought a second to make sure he had the phrasing right.  "Well, under different circumstances I would probably point out that I'm not a veterinarian, I'm a physician, but under these circumstances that would probably have disastrous consequences, so I'll restrain—"

"Do you have a point?"

"No, that's Spock," McCoy said cheerfully.  "But what I'm saying is, veterinarian aside, I just happen to have a cure for rabies in my medbag."

"That could have distinct possibilities," Kirk said thoughtfully.  "Only one question: why did you bring a cure for rabies on a landing mission that was supposed to be completely ordinary and uneventful?"

"Same reason I brought a neural paralyzer to a Vulcan wedding."

Kirk nodded.  "Good reason."

Jones frowned, puzzled.  "I don't get it."

"Slightly long story," Kirk answered, with no intention whatsoever of elaborating.  "Now, how are we going to get the cure into the rabid?"

The way they did it was fairly simple.  Spock and Kirk moved in from the right, drawing the rabid's attention their direction.  McCoy moved in from the left with his hypospray.  Jones and Simmons stayed on the path, out of the way, with no inclination to take on a foaming rabid.  The timing was very, very close, and it would have been very, very easy for the rabid to kill all of them (or at least bite them) but in the end their usual luck held.  Kirk and Spock distracted it long enough for McCoy to inject it with the cure, and then they all got out of the way.

For a moment, nothing happened.  Then, very suddenly, the rabid's nose twitched, it stopped foaming, and it started to shrink.  It shrunk down and down and down, until finally it was a normal sized white bunny rabbit.  It blinked at them, then hopped off into the woods.  They stared after it.

"The more I see of this place, the stranger it seems," Kirk commented.

They got as far as the drawbridge before they encountered the second challenge.  The challenge wasn't the moat.  The drawbridge was down, wide, and visible.  The only odd thing was the stone archway—almost a tunnel, two or three yards long—directly in front of the drawbridge.  As they obviously had to cross the drawbridge, they entered the archway.

Everyone got in without a problem.  Getting out was going to be something else.

Jones and Simmons were hanging at the back, naturally.  They entered together.  Just as they did, a metal gate with a grinning lion's head in the center sprang up in the far end of the arch, blocking the way to the drawbridge.

Kirk, at the front, pushed on the gate.  It was locked, and there was no room at the top to climb over.  "I don't like this," he muttered, turning.  He liked what he saw then even less.  An identical gate at the entrance to the arch.

They were effectively trapped.

"What is this thing?" Kirk asked rhetorically.

Rhetorically or not, an answer was given.  "I'm agateophobia."

Kirk turned a full circle looking for who spoke, and failed to see anyone.  The rest of the landing party looked around similarly, though Jones' and Simmons' looks were much more fearful.

"Who said that?" Kirk demanded.

"Me, naturally.  Over here."

"Captain," Spock said, and pointed.

The lion in the gate by the drawbridge was talking.  "I told you, I'm agateophobia."

"Agateophobia," Spock said thoughtfully.  Jones and Simmons looked nervous.

"What's an agateophobia?" Kirk asked.

"Me, of course.  I gate phobias.  Or people with phobias.  Or people with people with phobias."  Kirk got a little dizzy listening to that one.  The lion heads alternated sentences, and Kirk turned around trying to keep up with them.

"Do you get the felling this is all our fault?" Jones asked Simmons in a whisper.

Simmons gulped, and nodded.  "I was hoping it was just an irrational fear of mine."

Kirk was still trying to deal with the gate.  "You…gate phobias?"

"Essentially," said the one by the moat.  "That is my basic function," added the one by the woods.  "To put it simply," the one by the moat put in.

Kirk shook his head to clear it.  "Just…_one_ of you talk!"

"Touch, aren't you?" commented the one by the moat.

Kirk didn't answer, as Spock took up the conversation then.  "You state that you are an agateophobia.  You obviously are not familiar with the true meaning of the word." 

"I'm what?"  The gate did not seem overly pleased.

"Let me guess," McCoy said.  "_You_ just happen to know what it means."

"Naturally, or else I would not have brought it up.  Agateophobia is the fear of insanity."

Kirk's eyes lit up.  "So you say that you are an agateophobia and that you gate phobias.  But an agateophobia _is_ a phobia.  Therefore, your statement that your purpose is to gate phobias is incorrect.  Or, if it is correct and you intend to hold by it, you have to gate yourself.  And if you don't gate yourself, you've failed in your mission, and have to let the rest of us go."

The lion stared at him a moment.  "Have you done this before or something?"

"Once or twice."

"If I try to argue this, are you going to go on forever?"

"Probably."

The lion sighed.  "Oh all right, get out of here, it's not worth the trouble."  The gates swung open.

The landing party got out before the agateophobia could change its mind.  They crossed the drawbridge without difficulty, and entered the front courtyard.  There they found two men standing in guard positions, wearing the sort of uniform one would expect of World War I.

"Are you the next challenge?" Kirk asked.

They didn't answer the question.  They introduced themselves.

"I'm Dough."

"And I'm Boy."

"And I'm sick of word games," Kirk announced.  "I'm not playing them anymore."

In Xanth, on Earth, or just about any other place they'd been to, a good right hook will get you past most human-sized menaces.

This was no exception to the rule.

"Okay, let's go," Kirk said brightly.

"Do you really think that's how we were supposed to pass that one?" McCoy asked doubtfully.

"Probably not, but I don't really care.  Now let's go talk to the Good Magician."

Did I stop in the middle again?  I guess I did.  Bad me.  But at least I got them past the challenges first.  Next chapter: Good Magician Humfrey!

Wedge Antilles: Ah yes, the difficulties in finding books.  It isn't always easy.  I wish you good luck.

PearlGirl: Okay, let me try to explain this.  [thinks a moment]  The bridge ceased to exist because Spock said it couldn't exist within the bounds of logic.  He had reasoned out why it had to cease to exist, so it did.  If he'd reasoned out that it had to be visible, and bright pink, it would have been, if he had a logical explanation (I can't think of one either, it's just an example).  If he told someone they were being illogical, and reasoned out why, they'd have to change their mindset.  For example, if someone besides McCoy had told Spock that he was just being him, and Spock had reasoned out why that made no sense, whoever it was would have been forced to agree that it made no sense and take back the statement.  Or if someone took them prisoner, and Spock explained to them why it made no logical sense to hold them, whoever it was would have to agree and let them ago.  Did all that make sense?  More examples in the story as it progresses will probably help.

Taskemus: Giggle, I'm glad you're enjoying the talents.  And I always love getting a laugh out of my reviews!

Kiri: Actually, I think one pun is a little low…that's been remedied in this chapter, of course.  : )  And yes, there is no plot.

Alania: Yes, Simmons is a red-shirt.  He belongs to Whatshername.  You can read all about him in "The Real McCoy," which I strongly recommend as a very good story. : )

Silverfang (I'm just going to keep calling you Silverfang, it's easier, hope you don't mind): I feel terrible, but I don't really know anime…have lots of anime-fan friends, but I'm not up on it.  Write something I know about and I promise to read it though!

Is that everyone?  Yes, it is.  Okay, onward and upward.  New chapter soon, I hope!

Oh yeah, don't forget to review!


	7. The Good Magician

Disclaimer: Star Trek and Xanth aren't mine.  But if anyone has the copyright to either and wants to get rid of it, let me know…

Are you happy now, Wedge? : )

CHAPTER 7: Good Magician Humfrey

Captain's Log, Supplemental: Every place we come to seems to have their own mystical person, who is held in awe by the rest of the population.  Many are based solely on tricks and sleight of hand, a great many are computers, and the vast majority are not nearly as wonderful as the natives think.  As for Magician Humfrey, we had no idea what to expect from him when we entered the castle.

They strode confidently into the castle.  Well, to be strictly honest, Kirk was confident, Spock was probably confident though it's harder to tell, McCoy was reasonably confident though a little dubious, Jones and Simmons were nervous.  But however they did it, they entered the castle.

There were no further obstacles.  As Sandra had said, there were only three challenges.

No one was quite sure what to expect inside.  After what had happened outside, anything seemed possible.  Nothing terribly exciting happened though.  They'd gone in the first door they'd found in the courtyard, and ended up in a spacious hall with multiple doors in it.  None of them had a neon sign proclaiming "Good Magician This Way" and an arrow.  All were identical.

"Which door do we go through?" McCoy asked.

"We could pick one at random," Kirk said speculatively.

"What if there was something _bad_ behind it?" Jones gulped.

"Well then," Kirk said straight-faced, "I guess we'd be doomed."

"_Exactly_," Jones said firmly, completely missing the humor.

They weren't doomed though.  And they didn't go through any doors at random.  Instead, a door at the end opened and someone came out.

Kirk suddenly grew more interested.  The someone was a girl, twenty or so, brown hair and pale eyes.  "Hello, you must be the latest people with a question," she said.

Naturally, Kirk was the one to answer.  "Yes.  I'm Captain Kirk.  These are my officers, Mr. Spock and Dr. McCoy.  Also Lt. Simmons and Ensign Jones," he added as an afterthought.

She nodded.  "I am Wira, the Good Magician's daughter-in-law."

"Daughter…in law.  Oh."  Kirk seemed faintly disappointed.  He rallied quickly.  "Well, you must know where we can find the Good Magician then."

"Yes, of course.  Follow me please."

Which they did, with pretty much the same attitudes they'd had before, except that Jones and Simmons had increased their nervousness.  Wira led them through several corridors and up a flight of stairs, finally stopping outside a door that didn't appear to be much different from any of the other doors they had passed.

"Wait here for a moment, please," she requested, "while I make sure the Good Magician will see you."

Kirk had an objection.  "Wait a minute, what do you mean, make sure?  We got past three challenges.  We were told that meant we could see the Good Magician."

Wira looked a little uncomfortable.  "Ordinarily that would be true, but you didn't quite pass the last challenge the way you were supposed to."

"I knew it," McCoy muttered.

"You see, you were supposed to divide the two men," Wira explained.  "Together they were doughboys: soldiers.  Separated, they become dough and a boy.  Either of which could be easily passed."

Kirk had a pained expression.  "He's big on puns, isn't it?"

"Much of Xanth is based on puns," Wira said seriously, then entered through the door.

"We need to get out of here, and soon," McCoy said.  "I don't know how many more rabids and doughboys I can take."

Kirk nodded an agreement.  Jones and Simmons were busy being nervous, and acknowledging that puns bothered him was too emotional for Spock.

"So what do you think the Good Magician is like?" Jones asked worriedly.

"Oh, a big glowing head maybe," McCoy said idly.

"_Really_?" Jones squeaked.

McCoy blinked.  "No, not really!  Didn't you ever watch _The Wizard of Oz_?"

Whether he ever did or not will have to remain a mystery of the ages, as Wira came back then.

"You can go in now," Wira told them.  "He decided to see you."

Kirk had to nudge Jones and Simmons, but they all went.  It wasn't anything like the Wizard of Oz.  Instead of an impressive hall, they were in a study.  A very cluttered study.  One with piles of papers everywhere, and stacks of books between the papers, and the occasional sock between the books.  Somewhere in the middle of it all was a little old man with large spectacles, sitting in front of a giant book.

Good Magician Humfrey peered at them through his glasses.  "What do you want?" he asked crossly.

Naturally Kirk was the one to answer.  "I'm Captain James T.—"

"Kirk, I know.  So what?"

Kirk blinked.  "Uh, we're from the—"

"_Enterprise_, I know.  What about it?"

Kirk frowned a little, and figured he might as well try it.  "We represent the—"

"Federation, I know."  The Good Magician scowled at him.  "Do you really go through this entire rigmarole every time you meet someone?"

Kirk was a little flabbergasted.  "How did you know my name?  And our ship, and—"

"I'm the Magician of Information.  I know everything.  That's the whole point.  Now are you asking your question or aren't you?"

"Oh.  Right.  Our question.  Well—"

Kirk got interrupted again.  But it actually wasn't the Good Magician.  It was Spock.

"You state that you know everything.  Therefore it is not logical that you should ask us for our question.  You must already know it."

Humfrey glared at him.  "Well of _course_ I know it.  You want to get back to your silly ship.  But the general order of things is that you ask the question and then I answer."

"She's not silly!" Kirk objected.  "She's a _starship_!"

"Are you asking or aren't you?"

Kirk was still inclined to argue about the insult to the Enterprise.  Spock was still figuring out the logic of insisting on being asked a question one already knew.  Jones and Simmons wouldn't dream of stepping into the conversation.

McCoy figured somebody had to do something.  Even if it was illogical.  Or maybe _because_ it was illogical.  So he asked.  "How do we get back to the _Enterprise_?"

"Find the aisle," the Good Magician answered.  Then returned to reading his book.

They waited.  He ignored them.  A minute passed.  He looked up.

"_What_?" he demanded.

McCoy blinked.  "That's all?"

"_That's_ the answer?" Kirk said.

"I gave it, didn't I?  Yes, that's all."

"That's not an answer!" Kirk protested.  "It doesn't mean anything!"

"Of course it does," Humfrey said firmly.  "You just don't understand it, which is your problem, not mine.  See my second wife about your services."  He tried to ignore them again.  He didn't succeed.

"We cannot serve a year's service," Spock said.

"I know," Humfrey snapped, "That's taken care of."

"In addition," Spock said smoothly, "I fail to understand why you should use the plural 'services.'"

"Because there's five services.  Plural.  Services."

"We asked one question.  We should pay one service."

"There's five of you.  Five services."

Spock considered.  "That is not logical.  If one person asked one question the price would be one year's service.  If five people ask one question, the service should be divided as 73 days' service, or 1753 hours' service, because you have rendered no greater an assistance than if one person had asked.  In fact, only one person did physically ask, from a party of five.  Therefore, it logically follows that—"

The Good Magician glared at him, not looking terribly good.  "Now cut that out, it's not going to work!"

Spock blinked.  "What is not going to work?"

"Your logic nonsense.  It's not going to work.  I'm a Magician, my magic is more powerful.  And if I say five people have to pay five services, you have to pay five services."

"That is not logical," Spock said again.  If it had been anyone else one could have assumed it was said in desperation, in an attempt to cling to some sort of sense in the midst of a lot of nonsense.  But it was said by Spock, so it probably wasn't that.

"Better give it up, Spock," McCoy advised.  "He's immune too."

So there wasn't much else to be done.  What could they do but leave, find Wira, and try to figure out what on Earth (or in Xanth) he meant by his second wife.

"The Good Magician has five and a half wives," Wira explained, leading them through the castle again.

"Five…and a half?" McCoy echoed.

"That is not logical," Spock put in.

Wira didn't try to explain the half wife thing.  Mostly because the author doesn't entirely understand it either.  "You see, the Good Magician has been married five and a half times, over the course of his life.  The problem is, there's a law in Xanth that allows only one wife at a time, so they rotate in and out of Hell." 

"They rotate in and out of Hell?" Kirk echoed.

"That is not logical either," Spock mentioned.

"Well, it all started when his third wife, Rose, went to Hell in a hand basket."

"How'd she manage that?" McCoy asked.

"It was a very large hand basket."

"No more explanations.  Please," Kirk requested.  "So we're going to see the Good Magician's second wife?"

Wira nodded.  "Maiden Taiwan.  She's probably in her workshop.  She makes lots of little trinkets and things, you can find them all over Xanth.  They're all stamped with her name."

"Maid-en Taiwan.  It never stops," McCoy muttered.

Maiden Taiwan was indeed in her workshop, and she already had their service ready.  After the usual introductions and pleasantries, which we can omit because they're boring, she handed Kirk five envelopes.  "Humfrey wants you to deliver these for your services," she told them.

Kirk looked at them doubtfully.  "He wants us to deliver his mail?"

"I'm a doctor, not a—"

"Don't say it!" Kirk said quickly.

McCoy blinked.  He considered.  "I'm a member of the medical profession.  I'm not a mail carrier."

"None of us are mail carriers," Kirk told Maiden Taiwan.  "Besides, we don't have time to travel all over Xanth.  We have to get back to our ship, quickly."

"He said you'd mention that.  Time is irrelevant.  Once you find the aisle, you'll get back to your ship."

"That's another thing.  Why are we paying for an answer that doesn't make sense?"

"Humfrey's answers never make sense when you first hear them," Maiden Taiwan assured them.

"In that case, he is not a reasonable person to depend upon for answers," Spock said.

"Of course he is!" Maiden Taiwan said indignantly.  "I said they don't make sense when you first hear them.  They make sense eventually."

The landing party didn't try to make sense of that.

"I think we ought to look for help somewhere else," McCoy volunteered.

"And not pay your service?"  Maiden Taiwan was clearly shocked by the very idea.

"Why pay for something if we don't use it?" McCoy asked.

"But it was given to you!"

"It didn't look like very hard work.  Three words, big deal."

"Everyone pays their service!"

"We're not everyone," McCoy countered.

"And no one else in Xanth will help you once they find out you didn't pay the Good Magician."

"Well, yes, _that_ might be a problem," McCoy had to admit.

Kirk, Spock and McCoy looked at each other.  No one looked at Jones and Simmons, who simply weren't useful when it came to making decisions of any sort.

"I think we may be stuck," Kirk said, not entirely happily.

"People usually find the reason behind their answers while doing their service," Wira said helpfully.

"Well, let's hope so," Kirk said, and, resigned to the service, took his first good look at the envelopes.  "Wait a minute, only one of them has an address!"

"That's because they're to be delivered in order.  When it comes time to deliver the next one, the address will appear," Maiden Taiwan explained.

"Wonderful," Kirk muttered.  "Can't just number them."

"So where are we going first?" McCoy asked.

Kirk read out the first address.  "'King Dor, Castle Roogna.'"

Wedge: Yes, agateophobia is completely real.  I don't know the website name, but if you search phobia list on google it's the first one…way more phobias than you ever needed to know…

Kiri: So?  You're crazy too! : )

Alania: See above for Agateophobia.  And as for the red-shirts and doom…well, it just seemed natural.

PearlGirl: I don't mind explaining, really.  It helps me understand!

Whatshername: Yeah, you were late reviewing.  But I'm late posting this, so it's fair I suppose. ^_^

Beedrill: Spock's reasoning is fun to figure out…but hard.  I end up in circles…

Silverfang: Y'know, I don't know if my anime friends have usernames…I'll try to remember to ask when school starts again.

Unrealistic: I'm looking forward to seeing how Jones and Simmons use their talents too…when I figure that part out!

Emp: Congrats on your lack of number!  And I'm continuing, see?


End file.
